i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
