I will die if light touches me.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
