she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
