did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
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Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
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My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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