So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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