sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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