literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
tell me about the fingering
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