girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I need to calm my uterus...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
