and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
