It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
