Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
