Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
