If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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