I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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