God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
