when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
