Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
