Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
my god I love twenty year old dicks
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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