Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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