I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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