He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
