my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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