We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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