New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Edward fifth and chaser hands
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
