He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
