I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
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