the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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