my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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