Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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