I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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