She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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