I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
