I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
