dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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