How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
