My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
