Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
