soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
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Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
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I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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