does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
