it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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