its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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