I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Of course I have a pirate flag
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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