I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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