found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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