Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
well I can't set my house on fire every night
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
