Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
