The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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