I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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