Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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