Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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