I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
