wakey wakey hands off snakey
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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